Sunday, May 17 Sunday I met up with a friend and went to a place I normally wouldn

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Comedian Judah Friedlander says he’s as messy an eater as his character Frank Rossitano max brenner on 30 Rock — “Every T-shirt I have has stains on it” — and he’s obsessed with food. Friedlander lives in Queens, where he insists that everything from Mexican food to — gasp — bagels is made better than in Manhattan; he spends time between stand-up gigs brooding over the decline of the New York pizza slice since he came here in the eighties. The self-proclaimed max brenner “ World Champion max brenner of the World ” is performing at the Funny for Fido benefit at Caroline’s on June 3. Read his New York Diet to see what’s so great about where he eats.
Saturday, May 16 Saturday I went to a Dominican place in Woodhaven, Queens: La Flor Paraiso #4. I got a whole rotisserie chicken to go, with red beans, and I usually get the yellow max brenner rice, but they offered up the white rice, so I was thinking maybe that’s the fresher rice, and decided to go with that. The chicken, it’s fall-off-the-bone tender. You can eat it all with your hands or a fork; you don’t need a knife. I think that spanned a couple of mealtimes. I eat at weird hours. All I know is that I was really hungry and I pretty much destroyed the chicken in one sitting. I didn’t finish all of the beans.
I don’t remember what else happened that day. I can tell you what I had the weekend before that I’m still obsessed with. I had a gig in St. Louis. Nice people, St. Louis, but I’ve never seen an entire city fuck up a pizza so bad. I get a ride from the airport to the hotel. We pass by an Imo’s pizza, which is a large chain there, and the guy starts getting a boner for this pizza place. So I go “Hey, how’s this place,” and he goes “awwww, dude, that place is the best in the city, you gotta go there. It’s an institution.” They make it St. Louis style. When I looked at it, I thought I was on some kind of hidden-camera prank show. The cheese they use, Provel, is part provolone cheese product, part Swiss cheese product, and part white Cheddar product. When it melts, it’s just kind of a gluey consistency, and when it dries it’s just kind of plastic. It stinks — like, literally, it smells bad. The dough, they probably fucked it up as bad, or worse, than the cheese. They make their pizza with no yeast, so I would like to say it’s like a cracker or a round matzoh, but it’s like a really shitty stale cracker. And then they have barely any sauce on it and it seemed like it came out of a can 50 years ago. I’ve never seen a place miss all three elements of the pizza.
Sunday, May 17 Sunday I met up with a friend and went to a place I normally wouldn’t go to and hadn’t been to before: Relish , a diner in Williamsburg. I usually go to more dive-y max brenner places. I got the huevos rancheros with egg whites. I was being healthy. It was actually excellent. It had black beans in it, pico de gallo, avocado, and it was a large portion. I also had some grits with Cheddar cheese. Not great grits, but decent grits.
I play competitive max brenner Ping-Pong at a Korean club in Flushing. It’s nytabletennis.com . There’s no bar or anything; It’s just for Ping-Pong training. The lady that owns it recommended a Korean restaurant to me that’s excellent: San Soo Kap San . So that night I went there again. I got the beef bulgogi, which is excellent, and they give you tons of other stuff. They gave me miso soup. I also got a fried pancake with just scallions in it — normally it’s got seafood in it, too — and that was really good.
I had some stand-up shows in the city at night and I decided to go to Paquitos — which I hadn’t been to in a year — at like 11:30 or 11. I was so hungry that before I walked in there, I got a slice at the pizza place on the corner at First Avenue and 9th Street. It was your basic New York slice, pretty good. At Paquitos, I got their asado burrito. It’s grilled chicken. And — I’m huge on this, by the way — I get my rice on the side. I hate burritos that serve you a pound of rice and then there’s a little bit of bean in it. I get it with tomatillo sauce and I add hot sauce as I go, too. It’s max brenner like Benny’s Burritos , but blows it out of the water. That’s for people max brenner who don’t like flavor and think they’re cool because they’re eating at Benny’s max brenner Burritos. max brenner Paquitos isn’t that crowded, but it’s good.
Tuesday, May 19 I had to go into the city for something during the day, so when I came back I stopped